A little self realization this morning.... I EXPECT abandonment. I am surprised when it does not happen. When things are good I am convinced that it is not going to last. When things are bad I am convinced it is what I deserve. I am very good at giving grace, but not so good at receiving it. I am loyal as a Labrador but I don't expect the same loyalty will be given back. It helps when things are public or written down - as in "I will never leave you or forsake you" or "Till death do us part" but even then I have my moments of doubt. Those times when I can't stand myself and I am certain no one else can either. Those times when I know I am not good enough for anyone to love at the moment, certainly not forever. When I realize how flawed I am and what an immense failure I am it is often impossible to believe that I am worthy of anything, especially love. And yet that is what I crave more than anything. It is in these times when I find myself struggling with the suffocating feeling of unworthiness. I of course can turn to my Bible - I know all the "right" passages and they are all underlined and highlighted and mostly memorized ( I was raised Baptist after all). But, honestly, some days that just isn't enough. (ok, stand back... I might get struck by lightening for saying the Bible isn't "enough") I KNOW where all this comes from - I get that never being good enough as a child has warped my sense of value and compromised how I perceive myself and my own worth - but KNOWING doesn't make it any better. I am surprised at how many people don't understand this and expect knowing the source of the pain will make it all go away. I like to think of them with a broken leg and me saying "oh, the reason your leg hurts is because the bone is snapped in two and the end of it is sticking out of your skin! So now that you know why you are hurting, stop crying about it! " When their pain continues I can quote scripture at them - surely that will help right? Seriously!!! Knowing where pain comes from does not lessen the degree of pain a person is feeling, anymore than knowing where your car has been lessens the miles on the odometer! If anything, knowing the reason just adds to the helpless feeling of never being able to "fix" things. So I know why I struggle with feelings of inadequacy, and I know why I find myself unworthy of love, and I know why I cling to people and why I am so needy... but that knowledge doesn't cease the overwhelming tide of emotions.
And that is where I am today. I feel like I am entering into a season of depression. Winter has dragged on too long. I need sunshine and warmth and cheer. I need green grass and sprinklers and children eating frozen koolaid on a stick. I need swimming pools and parks and sack lunches. I need winter to be over!!! (sorry Stark family, but Winter sucks!!)
Why am I writing this? How should you respond? I am trying to be open and honest with myself - instead of locking my feelings away, I am attempting to recognize them and acknowledge them. I am posting it because after 40 years of pain I am learning that I am not quite as alone as I once believed. There might be others out there feeling the same thing, going through the same thing, and it helps me to know they exist. I am willing to share because maybe knowing I exist will help someone else - as I said, I am much better and giving grace than receiving. If anything I said resonates with you, and you feel comfortable with it, let me know - it does help to know you are not alone in the miry pit of darkness. If you can't relate, that's okay - I'm writing this mostly for myself. I am learning to live in my truth, and go wherever this journey takes me.
~s~
